Cancer Story –  Why I want radiation every morning for the rest of my life.  

Excuse me if I get a little existential, but I’ve been thinking . . .

 Somewhere between Sartre and Kierkegaard is where I find myself drifting when I am laying on the radiation table, waiting to be zapped yet another time.    What is the meaning of my life anyway?   How does all of this fit into Gods dreams for my life mission and my personal goals?  Cancer puts a big  “C” in the middle of your life journey and whether you want to or not, you’ve got to pull over and wait for the traffic to resume. 

The theologian Paul steps into the conversation swirling around in my mind (I hope  I’m not talking out loud)  when he talks about Jesus being the exact radiation of his Father  (Colossians).  Hmmmm. 

Radiation is a word I’ve probably said every day for the last two months.  And funny enough, I  always thought of radiation as starting from one central point and  fanning out – like ripples from a stone in a calm pond, or the rays of the sun coming from the solar center to the farthest points in the milky way.  However, as I lay there in the radiation room,  the radiologists,  Jamie and Mike,  focus huge  round panels (maybe 3 feet in diameter, like mega shower heads)  down to a tiny pen point on my body and harness all that power into a single spot,  reversing what I always visualized radiating to be. 

So, I’ve been thinking . . .

Maybe,  I need to be more like the radiation in the oncology rooms, VERY intentionally focused.   I need to use the remaining  months or years of my life to focus as thoughtfully as possible? 

 God has used a few other reminders along the way this year, to let me know that every day is a treasure.   In the past few months, one colleague and two brothers-in-law have died.   Not even a week ago, my brother-in-law, Robert Clement died suddenly of a brain aneurism.  He had served in his church on Sunday morning and collapsed on Sunday afternoon while he was out for a walk.  At the same time, a niece is getting married, two nieces have just had babies, and Anne is expecting a baby next month.  Life. Birth. Death.  Disease.  All in God’s great  mega story.

So I’ve been thinking . . . .

I  do want my cancer to count.

I want God to be my center, my true north.

I want Christ to radiate me – and to let me radiate!

And I want to continue radiation treatment for the rest of my life – with God zapping me every morning  in the most focused way, so I will keep radiating His glory every day I have left.

So, what about you?  What have you been thinking?  I’d love to know.

Lois